Alright. I might as well just come out with it. For those of you who I know personally who would have preferred hearing this in person as opposed to reading it on my blog, I apologize. I just feel like I need to get this out on a public forum for some reason.
I moved out of my parents house.
Don't rejoice quite yet. You haven't heard the circumstances. I didn't discuss it with them. I just moved my stuff out and talked to them about it afterwards. Yep. That's right. Let's begin.
Why did I choose to do it this way? I knew while I was doing it that it wasn't the best way to move out, to say the least. However, my mother and I had had discussions about it over the past few months, and she made her feelings known that she wanted me to stay at home until I get married. My mother's....er...suggestions aren't suggestions. They're commands, as I have learned during the times I don't follow her "advice". I felt desperate to move out...it almost felt like a life or death situation for a while. I felt if I waited to talk to her again about it, I would end up doing what she wanted me to do (like always), which is stay home.
Reasons for moving out: There's your typical post-teen reason: independence. However, that wasn't my main reason. As many people who know me know, I'm not a fan of confrontation/conflict. I avoid it as much as possible. I realized, though, that the mild anxiety attacks (well, according to WebMD, they seem more like mild panic attacks...but we'll go with anxiety) I get about conflict primarily occur with my mother. They occasionally help to build up to temporary bouts of depression that I get. (I was depressed as a child. I figure it'll be with me forever.) I was told once my a therapist that, even though she cares about me, living with her probably isn't the best situation for me. The combination of those two things made me come to the conclusion that getting out the house was the best option for me.
So, how did it go? It went almost as bad as I expected...but worse. I knew they'd be upset, but, as odd as it sounds, I was surprised how hurt they were that I went ahead and moved out without talking to them. My mom claims that if I had just asked, they would have said yes, which I know isn't true considering the past times we had talked about this. I explained to her that I understood her reasons why she wanted me to stay home longer, but that I felt gaining my independence was more important. (I didn't mention the psychological stuff intentionally. I figure telling her, "Hey, you give me anxiety attacks" would hurt her.) They conveyed their feelings that this was a horrible thing to do to them after all they've done for me, which I understood. I told them that even though I wasn't going to be living at home, I wanted to still help out with family business stuff and watching the dog. Just because I moved out didn't mean I wasn't apart of the family. However, I was clearly told that my help was not wanted.
My mom said she feels like I was only there to take things from them and, now that there's nothing left to take, I'm gone. I explained that me moving out gave them one less person that's dependent on them. I also repeated the fact that I still wanted to help them, considering all that they have done for me. She ignored that. She asked me for my key to the house and said that if I wanted to come by to visit, I needed to call first. They both told me "to have a nice life".
And now? I have a mix of feelings right now. The predominant one is guilt for hurting them so harshly (particularly my dad who I felt got caught in a crossfire that had nothing to do with him originally), something that I didn't see coming. It's sad that I didn't have the foresight to see that. The other feeling is relief that I'm not living with my mother anymore. Currently, I don't regret what I did. I still feel the method wasn't the best, but I feel the alternative wouldn't have been feasible considering my mom. However, I do regret that I hurt them.
Comments (5)
I'm proud of you for taking this step. Even if you might have been able to do things differently - which, as you say, is debatable to begin with - they are ultimately responsible for their own feelings. So they are hurt. They have the right to feel that way, of course. But they didn't really hear you. What you did is brave and will probably be a good thing for you, evidenced by the fact that you already feel relief (even if it's mixed with regret). This decision really is entirely yours, not theirs to make.
I hope that your parents can feel through their shock and hurt and remember that they love you and that you did not hurt them intentionally. I think their ability or inability to respond and try to understand will show their true depth of love for you, and I just hope for your sake and theirs that they will come through. And if not, you can rest assured knowing that ultimately, you have only done what is healthier for you and your family (or, at least I see it that way, from what you write). But I know what you mean - it really sucks to know someone else was hurt by your actions when that wasn't your intention.
The reality is, if your parents are taking your god-given right, and normal human desire for independence personally, that is their problem, not yours. Ironically enough I had the same thing happen when I withdrew from a college my parents pretty much forced me to go to. They made some lame attempt to 'excommunicate me' from the family, but it only ended up making them look and feel like bigger jerks, for not letting me live my life my way, without their input.
My mother is notorious for what I like to call her "Jewish Mom Guilt Trips" ...
There comes a time in life where everyone has to take responsibility, you've taken yours, and now they need to take theirs, whether they want to or not.
Now I assume, based on your profile, that you are at least say.. 21. So, going under the assumption you are, and not to sound harsh or completely ignorant, but what is your familial or ethnic background? I ask because a parent wanting a child to stay home until they are married seems amazingly archaic to me, and I haven't heard of anyone really expecting that since, well hell since decades before I was even born.
That's just unreasonable, even from the perspective of religious reasonings, it's unreasonable.
Instead of hurting because she has one less person to control, your mother should be happy that you are growing up and ready to take full responsibility for yourself. As opposed to trying to cripple you by being passed off from your parents to your husband without learning how to be independent; why not encourage you to stand on your own two feet. LOL marriage obviously is NOT forever based on the divorce statistics, so why shouldn't know what it is like to take care of yourself before you go off and get married.
I'm sorry... the small bit of your mother's perspectives and ideas that I read pissed me off. I'm a hard-core feminist.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling blog-jack
Congrats on breaking free!!
LOL I haven't been home since I was 17 (I'm now 25), and never looked back.
It'll get better